Regarding Recent Events

Hello, readers,

In light of recent events, I’ve made the difficult decision to once again remove myself from social media and any activity within circles of the independent writing community.

I’ve once again found myself at the center of a dogpiling escapade, and to be frank, because of this, I was thoroughly considering all options of vanishing off the face of the Earth. I’m sure this would have pleased some, but I’ve done a lot of soul searching, and I won’t be defeated so easily.

Instead, I’ve come to terms with a few things about myself.

I have a mental illness. I’ve hypothesized as much in the past, but people assume I’m just trying to make excuses. It’s not an excuse. But the fact remains.

I’ve reached out to professionals and will be re-entering therapy for my conditions, and hopefully will begin medicinal treatment as soon as possible.

My illnesses are PTSD, and versions of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that have plagued me for my whole life. Perhaps a concussion I suffered in 2006 exacerbated my OCD, as it has seemed to get a lot worse since then, but who is to say. I certainly never had Tourettism ticks before then, and I do now.

My OCD has resulted in obsession with social media, and seeking validation there, to the point that I get trapped in cycles of intrusive thought, and then act on compulsion. This results in bad choices and an unhealthy relationship with the internet, to put it mildly. There is also some element of self-destructive instinct in there, which I think must stem from PTSD. There is some part of me that simply doesn’t want to succeed.

Both the incidents that I have been online-shamed over have roots in these symptoms of mine exerting their control over my rational brain.

On the video I shared via Tiktok, whether or not it was someone I know, or someone trying to draw more attention to my work, or someone just actively trying to hurt me, there is part of myself that knew if I shared it, it would result in the exact outcome we’ve seen transpire.

On the old drama from 2017, I clearly had an OCD episode that resulted in thought spirals and compulsion to destroy myself through lashing at others who I perceived had tried to hurt me.

There’s little excuse for this, except that my mental health issues were not diagnosed, and I have not been properly medicated. I was briefly on Zoloft in 2016, but after a bit took myself off it, resulting in another spiral that was well worse than any that came before. I should have sought help, or another prescription. I just have a paranoid distrust of doctors, hey another symptom of my OCD. The same thing that makes me constantly believe my food has been tampered with, and that there’s an army of people online working against my every move.

I apologize once again for all the hurt I’ve caused and the distrust I have created for myself. I can only hope to do better in the future.

Posting this may be ill-advised itself. It seems no matter what I do, I only make matters worse. But I just want to be transparent as possible.

I realize I have problems that need to be handled in order to have a healthy relationship with any potential audience.

I do not ask for forgiveness at this time. I only ask for understanding, and perhaps a bit of patience.

I will strive to be as good a person as possible, and to produce the best possible stories for anyone who wants to read them.

Thank you for your kindness.

And thank you to everyone who gave me the benefit of the doubt, or at least chose not to participate in the widespread glut of online mockery I’ve endured since Friday.

I do not have many friends in this world. And I cherish the ones that have stood by me, even when I’ve done everything possible to make myself look like an utter fool.

Humbly,

Jay Sizemore